This morning starts like every morning this week...waking up feeling sluggish with a sugar hangover. I have well and truly relapsed and I am struggling to get back on track. I am a sugar addict and the little bit of everything theory obviously does not work on me. I need total abstinance or I end up like a drug addict deperately seeking their next hit. I always convince myself that I deserve something nice as a reward for something or other. I use sweets as a bargaining tool with myself! Anyway, I stumble down the stairs in a daze asking if the children are ready. Child#3 limps into the hallway holding his chest saying that he has a cough and is wheezing. He tries to force out a wheezy sound. He looks perfectly well to me. If anything it should be Child#5 complaining of feeling ill as she is as white as a sheet. I recognise that Child#3 needs attention after all the spoiling Child#4 has had all week so I go along with his alledged illness and let him stay home from school. As soon as the threat of school has passed, Child#3 speeds up the hallway to the sitting room to watch TV. 'I thought you were going back to bed' I holler after him. 'It's ok' he calls back, 'I have my duvet in on the couch'. I shake my head and proceed to chivy Child#2 and 5 into the car. Child#1 has already left with my husband and my mother in law is with the baby.
After the school run, I prepare and put a chicken in the oven to roast; make a lasagne and then put on the never ending laundry. I watch TV and open my diary to plan my day. I feel very uneasy and anxious. The reason being is that February is coming very fast. February 15th is my date for my tubal ligation surgery. I booked it myself a few weeks ago as I know my family is complete. Yet, as the date comes closer, I start having misgivings. I go through all the reasons why I am doing this...
Firstly, I cannot tolerate the contraceptive pill or mirena coil because the hormones turn me into a moody, headachy antichrist. In addition, I have very tough pregnancies...severe Symphisis Pubis Dysfunction and Pelvic Girdle Pain whereby I need crutches; backache all through the pregnancy where I am never sure if it's backache or premature labour thus clocking up many miles into Maternity Hospital to check; stress fractures in wrists from crutches; hospital stays for bed rest; low blood pressure; weekly physio and having to sign off work. Also, though I have speedy labours, the epidural never works. I made a holy show of myself on the last baby because of the pain. I tried to crawl away from the midwives and was hanging off the bed! The midwives were disgusted by my behaviour exclaiming that I should know the score by now as it was my 6th baby! I swore to them dramatically that I'd never be back. They rolled their eyes and said they've heard it all before.
They were glad to see the back of me as I was on the antenatal ward for weeks before I had the baby, eavesdropping on other's consultations and sometimes offering my opinion. I spent my days with student doctors describing at length all of my ailments and reminiscing on each pregnancy. Some of them even visited on the postnatal ward afterwards to meet the much awaited baby. I was a familiar face in other parts of the hospital too where I'd be found waddling along trying to bring on labour. An irate doctor once banished me back to the Maternity section and told me to just bounce on a yoga ball. Once I got home after the birth, I could not walk properly for weeks because my hip felt dislocated! I needed intensive physio on my pelvis and wrists and it is only now I am starting to feel better!
And yet, I look at my baby, panicking as he grows so fast; nearly hyperventilating as I carefully fold away each baby gro that he has outgrown and positively fight back the tears as I imagine all my kids going off to college and not having a small baby in the house ever again. My husband thinks I'm mad. My mother reminds me that myself and my sisters did not go too far from her and that I have to call a halt at some stage! My gynaecologist agrees that even though I'm only in my 30s, six is enough for anyone and that my body has been through enough.
I am so grateful that I have six healthy children. I remember the anxiety and worry before each scan, willing everything to be ok. I had an ectopic in 2008 and lost one of my fallopian tubes. I was told back then I only had a 50% chance of ever conceiving again so I realise how blessed I am to have gone on to have four more. The funny thing is I was 'finished' after Child#5. She was five years old and I was so smug that they were all in school when one day I was shocked to discover Child#6 was on the way! Though it was a difficult pregnancy, I was so excited and delighted to have a new baby in the house again. We are all fascinated with him and exclaim over every little thing he does. He brings such joy to the house and is such an easy going baby. I have been plunged back in to babydom. All thoughts of lesson plans, principal conferences, Board of Management meetings and parent teacher meetings have left my mind. I really enjoy being at home with the baby and pottering around cooking, decorating and watching TV while all the others are in school. While I thoroughly enjoyed all of my babies, I had my first three before Child#1 turned three years old. By the time Child#3 turned 4, I had two more babies under the age of 15 months so the time passed quickly in a blur of nappies and toilet training and work!
I remind myself that I am finding it so easy now because I do not have a toddler to run after and that if I was to have another, I would be running, possible limping after a toddler while trying to mind a newborn. I also recognise that the other children still need me in different ways. It can be quite difficult dealing with a soon to be teenager and then reverting to caring for a newborn! I am never off the road with their many activities. As soon as rugby stops Gaelic starts, an endless whirlwind of training and matches. Our weekends are spent freezing our asses off at sidelines willing the coach to play my sons so as not to damage their fragile self esteems. I go between ringing the coach on his mobile (I'm not allowed on the pitch) to play Child#2 before he loses interest to warning coach not to play Child#1 because the opposition looks too big. Child#1 has banned me from rugby matches because I embarrass him. But anyway, back to my reasons not to have another baby.
My husband makes the valid point that we will please God have three in college at the same time and that we have to provide for the kids we have. As well as that ,we have 6 healthy kids and to roll the dice again would be madness.
So, I think I have to accept it is time to put baby thoughts out of my head and continue to enjoy the children I am lucky enough to have. One day, please God, if I have done my job right, they will leave home and have their own lives like they are meant to do. When people tell me to live my own life and take up enjoyable activities I realise that I am already doing what I love...being with my children. When you become a mother, you are no longer the centre of your own universe...you relinquish that position to your children.
I have signed up for many an activity, many a course. I am probably the most trained principal ever! I have danced zumba without much coordination, half killed myself in step aerobics, nearly drowned myself in aqua aerobics, dangerously played golf, had one on one pilates and pilates in a group (I was told not to come back), yoga (also told not to come back...she thought I was deliberately falling around to make people laugh...I wasn't), swimming, gym, Gaelic for Moms (bad idea), walking groups and a personal trainer who despaired of me. I have enough equipment to start a gym!
Home wise, I have thrown myself into trying to be the perfect housewife. I have reorganised rooms; maria kondoed every drawer; moved furniture about regularly for feng shui, moved bed rooms and wardrobes and watched numerous you tube vlogs on speed cleaning and baking!
I have dabbled in drawing, writing a novel, psychic development, angel card reading, mentoring other principals, teaching music, fostering for a dog shelter and much much more!
So while I try new things with enthusiasm and vigour, my heart will always be with my children. Whether dealing with tantrums, grumpy teens or watching the heart melting smile of my baby, when people wonder why I'd want more children, I will always wonder why wouldn't I because each baby is truly a blessing. However, I know my limits and I need to be strong and healthy for the children I have. So, I'll try relish each moment with my children and celebrate each milestone that they reach because it will all pass much too quickly.
There will be days where I will feel like a servant and will probably rant here on my blog about the many things my children do and don't do but at the end of the day being a mom is a priviledge and seeing my children healthy and happy is the reward.
And now...I better stop rambling and go to sleep. My husband's van broke down and I have to drop him to work in the morning. I also have a day of worry ahead of me as Child#1 is going to his rugby match alone (I'm banned remember?)
Good night!
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