So sorry for the long absence from blogging but it was one of those weeks...between the busyness of running here and there, severe PMS symptoms and rotten weather, it has been a week I am keen to put behind me!
I had many 'go slow' days where I felt I could just about keep up with the regular schedule, never mind fitting in exercises. I cooked and cleaned all week, folded clothes and braved the school runs and rugby/music runs in the bad, rainy weather.
I suffered cramps, mood swings and headaches as my period drew near. At one point, I wondered if I could miraculously be pregnant...my PMS and early pregnancy symptoms are the exact same. However, just as I bought a pregnancy test to be on the safe side before going for my tubal ligation, my period literally started! What a waste of money and worry time! I think it was just wishful thinking as I really am not ready to do this procedure.
My friend's dad died unexpectedly also. It was so sad and my heart went out to her and her family. It made me count my blessings.
I spent two days folding laundry and putting it away, silently and sometimes not so silently fuming and once again wondering why my husband spends his time outdoors and ignores all the housework.
Granted, the cow had a calf last Sunday but I have found my husband standing in the shed quite often just 'watching' them as if it was a seriously important task. Meanwhile, I am snowed under in housework trying to get ready for Child#4's birthday party that I foolishly invited 16 kids to,plus my own. I thought it would be nice for him, especially as he worked hard all week to catch up on his homework that he had neglected for two weeks!
Child#1, 2 and 3 pulled sick days at different stages during the week and of course by 11am, they'd be as right as rain.
Child#1 confided in me that he had a girlfriend a few months ago but they broke up. I hid my shock quite well and chatted way as if this was a regular, normal thing. I was shaking on the inside though thinking how grown up he was getting so fast.
School
runs have been a chore lately as the gate has to be opened and closed each
time I leave, thanks to my husband's cows being around the house. They are due
to calf so he needs to keep an eye on them. Therefore, I get soaked several
times a day in the torrential rain.
My husband has been rained off a few days this
week also, which did not help his mood. He was thankfully around therefore for
the big birthday party to help me watch all the children! Any other day, he
found things to do outside and neglected all the things inside...like changing
lightbulbs, insulating the crawl space so we don't freeze upstairs, hanging my
curtain pole upstairs so I can put up curtains...
Aaaaaah! It is driving me crazy! She has gone up to her daughter for the weekend now and I feel like I am on holiday. The baby has a break from PJ being screeched in his face too. Part of me does miss her though and I shouldn't complain. She always minds the kids if I ask her to.
I have been all week on Live Chat with a Little woods rep also, trying to track down my fitness watch that never arrived. I go between Little woods and the courier demanding to know where it is. When it finally arrives on Friday...a week late, the seal is broken on the box and so, I have to return it. I do not order off Littlewoods again as I do not want to risk another delay. I buy one from DID electrical. Hopefully, it will arrive on Tuesday and I will have no excuse not to be back on track.
It is also time to upgrade our phones so I have been tackling that ordeal all week with Three.
We are going to go for a Samsung A7. So as you can see, I had little time for writing unfortunately. Though I desperately missed it.
I devised a Cleaning Tick Sheet also that helped motivate me start the cleaning process in this mad house. Now the major cleaning has been done, I do a few minutes every morning keeping on top of it and ticking as I go. I plan to declutter a room each week too. I ordered new chair covers for my dining room. I am ashamed to say my cats have absolutely destroyed the lovely leather chairs over time, using them as scratch posts. It started off as the odd scratch here and there a few years ago, when we had our first kitten. Then four years ago, we got a litter of three kittens together and they ruined everything! They also bite and scratch the kids. They are spoiled and ungrateful yet everyone (not the husband) loves them and tries to cuddle them, which leads to more tears.
Our most recent kitten is now a tom cat and he sprayed the upstairs somewhere last week. I have been searching for cleaning vinegar online ever since but I can't find any. It is meant to neutralise the awful cat piss smell and deter them from doing it in future.
I ordered new walking shoes to go with my new fitness watch. I ordered new underwear for Child#2 because he refuses to wear his other underwear as he thinks Child#3 has been wearing them.
I picked up all the toys upstairs early Friday morning only for the gang of children to throw them all over the place but I spent ten minutes tidying up again to put some order on the place.
Today is actually Child#4's 7th birthday. I cannot believe that he is seven already! It is a horrible, stormy day so I baked him birthday buns at home instead of going out in this weather. My husband is insulating the upstairs while all other children are playing a zombie game on the xbox. The baby is asleep while I write.
As I wrote earlier, I had a rotten week with PMS symptoms. I really have to get a handle on how to manage the PMS as I do not want to be going through that for a week every month. I feel demotivated and lethargic and I eat all my emotions which range from anger, to despair to indifference! If I avoid junk food and take B6 vitamins and exercise before it hits I should be ok but it always creeps up on me and next thing I am in the throes of it and nothing can get me out of it and the pain and tension until the period actually starts.
On top of all this, I was very anxious because of my procedure date looming closer. My mind has felt like exploding all week going back and over between going ahead or cancelling the tubal ligation. It is not that I want more children, but I don't like the feeling of not being able to have more children. There is a big difference between 'won't' and 'can't'. I am afraid of the pain of the procedure as I have been through a larparoscopy before with the ectopic. It seems quite drastic when I can just use barrier methods and timing. I guess I got so caught up in the 'who' will get it done, my husband or I that I did not think it through how I'd feel. I don't want my husband to get it done now either. It is his choice. Just like this is my choice. And I was so busy organising the when and how that I neglected to consider my feelings on it. While, I don't want to be pregnant again and I have six, healthy children, I don't want to do this procedure. It doesn't feel right to me and I need to trust my instincts. My husband says it is totally up to me and not to be going by my Mom and Dad. And, that is very true. I shouldn't do it because my Dad keeps giving out about sorting myself out. It has to be my decision. I did decide I didn't want more children. I did make my own appointment and set my own date...nobody forced me to. But now, that it is in 5 days time, I am feeling extremely uneasy about it.
I am so afraid I will suddenly be plunged into despair because I 'can't' have more children even though I didn't even consider having any more before setting this date up! I think I am one of those people who would be greatly affected by it and feel 'empty' or 'useless'. I know after the ectopic I was inconsolable because I only had one tube and I thought I'd never have any more.
I am not ready to face a load of emotion next Friday and after. I have a little baby to focus on right now. There is no panic. My consultant did suggest waiting until he was over a year and I finished breastfeeding but I suggested going as soon as possible. And now I have changed my mind again!
Maybe the breastfeeding hormones are affecting my feelings or the PMS.
Or maybe it is because I have been put under twice...the ectopic and the infection so I am afraid.
Either way, I think I will postpone it on Friday for my own mental health before I drive myself crazy or my husband!
I am happy with my healthy and happy children and I by not going ahead with the tubal ligation does not mean I am planning another baby. My husband would run for the hills even if I did !
Now, I better go and feed the children and lay out uniforms for tomorrow!
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